The Drama Continues

Where to begin? i went up to my mom's house last Tuesday for what i thought would be a few days, as it turned out i didn't come home until Monday of this week. In short, my brother and sister got into a huge row and my Grandma turned up in the hospital and (as usual) they wouldn't stay in town to be with my Grandma and there was no way i was going to leave her alone while she was sick in the hospital. Call me crazy, but that just didn't seem like the right thing to do. She's 99 years old and in my book, she's earned a little respect and deserves more than a little TLC when she's ill. The worst part of it was that i stayed alone in my Mom's house, with absolutley nothing to do. No TV, no computer and all Mom's things strewn all over the house to serve as a constant reminder of her passing. It was rough to say the least. But i made it and i'm home again, thank goodness!

i've lost an entire week of the holiday season and to say i'm behind is an understatement. Thankfully i had the foresight to set the tree up before i left, but that's all i've done. There is much shopping and card writing to do. To say nothing of the 10 day vacation i have to pack for, just after Christmas.

This year has been so hard on Master and i, each of us as individuals as well as us as a couple. Master said the other day that He doesn't know if things are able to be completely repaired from all that has happened this year. i know He didn't mean that we'll split up or anything like that, He just meant that we've been "scarred" in a way and that will never change. But people go through difficult times and it's human nature to heal as time goes on and i have complete faith that we will. He holds an enormous fury in His belly for my siblings, it's a bit scary. i can't blame Him for being so angry, my sister has shown almost no concern for my well being nor has she shown the least little bit of respect for my marriage. She has always been and will always be "all about her". All she cares about is that she isn't put out in any way. i've put a great deal of thought into this over the last few days and i truly don't know how she sleeps at night. When we got word that my grandma was ill the first and only thing she said was "I don't care what happens with Grandma, I am going home!". What should i have said to something so crass and uncaring? All i said was that she's not only my Grandma, and there is no reason that it always has to be me who gives up her life to take care of my family. i wasn't nice about it, i was actually quite vocal, but it made no difference.

i can't wait for our vacation, Master and i deserve to get away and spend some real quality time alone with no one to think about but us. We'll be going to Sea World which is where He proposed to me, just thinking about it makes me all fluttery inside. It's going to be a wonderful trip. We need to reconnect as Husband and wife but more importantly as Master and His slave. Only good things can come of this and i have high hopes for a restoration for us.

i have so much to do and not enough time to do it, i'm working on preparing the animals for "camp" as i'm like to call it, while we're away and that is no small effort! So sitting here isn't getting my work done! Happy Holidays all!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Looking Up

i'm sure i say this every year, but this is just my favorite time of the year. This year Master's Mom and sister won't be able to cook Thanksgiving Dinner so i get the pleasure of doing it. It's been a very long time since i have made Thanksgiving Dinner, i'd say 11 years. Normally if i had something like this i had to do, i'd be on the phone all the time asking my Mom questions about how to do this or that. i am thankful that i have my sister to call and double check that i'm doing things properly.

Even though i'm sure the holidays will be much harder this year than they have ever been, i'm still looking forward to them. Thanksgiving won't be nearly as hard as Christmas and i have every intention of just letting myself fall apart when i need to and then try to carry on as best i can. It won't be easy, but i know with Master here He'll be there for me when i need Him.

Our friends who own the cabin on the river closed it about a month ago so we don't normally see them as much during the winter as we do during the summer. But i'm happy to say that the last two Saturday nights we have gone out for supper with them and have had a really good time. Yesterday we spent all day with them, working on a house they own that got vandalized. It was hard work but they are fun people and even though i was covered in dirt and grim, it was a good time.

i think slowly Master and i are settling back in to our normal selves. Being home and knowing that i'm home to stay has made an incredible improvement on our relationship. i will have to make one more trip up there before Christmas for a couple days but the end is definately in sight! We have plans this year for Christmas, we are going on a trip with Master's whole family to Florida. All 16 of us will be in a rented house with a private pool and i'm so excited about this trip! It's just what we need, we have had such a hard year and we'll bring in the new year in our favorite place in the world! How can things not be on the upswing with that to look forward to?

Well i'm off to do some cleaning and a few little things to get ready for Thanksgiving.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

I just want to say...

Happy Birthday My treasure!!!

Happy Anniversary Master!

Three years ago today we promised to love each other through the good times and the bad. As anyone might imagine, this last year, we've seen some of the bad. Our next year together i can only pray will be filled with "good". We are still struggling to get back to being "us" but i know that we are strong enough to make it through and that the love we have for each other is stronger than any "bad" that is thrown our way!

We will be celebrating our Anniversary tomorrow night and i can't wait to have fun together and do a little shopping. Those are some of the best times, shopping with Master!

i love You Master, thank You so very much for being the strength that i have needed through this very rough year. Thank You for Your patience and understanding. Thank You for always being there to hold me when i fall apart and thank You for loving me, even when i'm somewhat unloveable. i know how hard this has been on You, yet You always seem to be there when i need You, saying the right thing at the right moment. i know i married the right Man, i know gave myself to the right Man and i know that You are that Man.

Without the bad times, how could we appreciate the good? Happy Anniversary Master, The Love of my Life, i need You and i know that "You are the half that makes me whole".

Your,
treasure

Life goes on, and there's nothing i can do about it

i spent the weekend and Monday at Mom's house, going through her house and sifting through all her things. my brother and sister and i worked all weekend and when Master and i finally left on Monday afternoon, it didn't seem that we even made a dent. There is just so much to go through and so much to do.

Now Master and i have a huge task of making room in our house for all of the treasures i brought home. It didn't seem like that much when i was packing up but once we got it all loaded i was amazed to see how much there really was.

Master says that i have really lost my focus as His slave. After everything that i have been through this year and having to take care of myself a lot being away from Him so often, He says that i have gained an independence that He's not at all fond of. i'm sure that we'll get back into our routine and back where we were before this all started, it will just take some time. i don't feel any different about my role as His slave and i don't feel like i'm any less subserviant to Him, but He feels that way and of course, that's what matters. i know this has been hard on both of us, just in a different way for Him. It's like we almost have to re-learn how to live together again. i have spent months away from home and even though we talked every few hours while i was away, i didn't defer to Him on every single issue like i would have had i been at home. There were so many decisions that i had to make on my own, things that He couldn't help me with that i'm sure He must have felt almost completely out of His element. He has to be in control, He has to be. That is His make up and that's the only way He knows how to function. That's one of the things i love about Him, the fact that He has the final say on things and that even if i don't agree with His decision, that's the way it is. This past year has been so opposite of that it's not even recognizable as our relationship. i want things to get back to the way they were before Mom got sick. me being her power of attorney for health care put so much burden on me. All of a sudden i was the decision maker for these huge life changing situations. It was a role i took on with an enourmous amount of respect of sense of duty to my Mom but i hope i never have to do that again in my life.

More than anything, i miss my Mom. i want so badly to call her and tell her what i'm up to. It's these lovely fall days that make me miss her so much. i know how much she would have loved to enjoy a day like this. How she would spend hours in her yard puttering about, feeding the birds and the chipmunks, doing a little raking or trimming. Then listening to her on the phone telling me how hard she worked, hearing how happy she was to get so much accomplished. i don't know if this ever gets any easier or if how some people say, you just sort of get used to missing them. But the terrible thing is, i don't want to miss her, i want her to be here for me to call her or go see her. How horribly selfish is that?

i know this is just the normal grieving process and it's all still so fresh, i just hope that it starts getting a little easier. i wake up every morning and i think to myself... something is wrong... oh yeah, Mom died. Then i get up, because i have to. my life isn't over, Mom's is. Life goes on and there's nothing i can do about it but go through the paces of my life until i feel a little better. But this is what i need, i just need some time to be home with Master get our life back in order and spend a little time missing my friend who also happened to be my Mom.

i'm sad but i'm OK. i have Master and His family and i talk to my sister every day. As much as Master hates her, it helps me so much to talk to her. She's the only one who truly knows what i'm missing. She was her daughter too and she also lost her Mom in the exact same way that i did. It helps me so much to talk to her about things that i miss about Mom and she knows the right thing to say and sometimes it's just saying nothing at all. my sister gave up much of her childhood to take care of me when my Mom wasn't around. She missed out on so much so she could be there for me and even though Master has huge issues with her right now, she's my sister and she sacrificed so much for me. She was the one who took me into our bedroom and played 45's on our little record player loud enough to drown out the screaming so i didn't have to hear it. She was the one who got me ready for school each day, making herself late for school just so my hair was curled. She did my laundry and made sure that i have something presentable to wear to school. When i couldn't go to school one day because i had torn my last pair of pants, she was the one who called my grandma and asked to borrow some money to get me some new clothes. Then called my Mom and told her she'd have to take me shopping with the money. She was the one who took me to my grandparents house every weekend so i didn't have be home to witness the horrid things that were happening at home. Then she'd go back home and cook and clean for the family, giving up her weekends for so many years. When all her friends were having sleep overs and going out to parties, she would stay home and make sure nothing bad happened to my brother. When she got her job, she gave all her money to my Mom to pay the bills and bought me clothes and pretty things that she knew i'd love.

No, she's not a saint, she's a pain in the butt. She's hyperactive and she frets about the silliest things. She's selfish and self centered most of the time now and very concerened about her social status. But she's my sister and i'll never forget all that she did to make my life a little bit easier when things were so very awful. i pray that some day Master will be able to look beyond her annoying qualities and realize that she's funny and underneath it all, a good person. Even if she's a bit misguided at times.

Ahhhh the joys of family, can't live without them! How boring would that be?

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Happy Birthday Mom

October 13th.

Today my Mom would have been 74 years old. Happy Birthday Mommy, i miss you.

She was ready.... i wasn't

Friday September 29th my Mom was scheduled to have a new port put in for dialysis. She called me at 9:30am at her house where Master and i were staying. She told me that she cancelled the surgery, she wasn't going to have a new port put in, she was ready to die.

She made the hardest decision anyone can ever make in life. She chose to end her own suffering, knowing that she would never get better, she was ready to end this life and continue the next. She knew what was coming, she was able to say good bye to her family and friends and we were able to tell her everything we've always needed or wanted to tell her.

my sister and i spent nearly every moment with her, taking turns and on Tuesday, October 3rd at 11:42pm, i heard her take her last breath. i was with her when she went and there was no emergency, just peace.

We had the most beatiful service for her, our cousin who is a preacher, did her service and the funeral home was standing room only. Even her doctor, who was also her friend, came to say good bye. She looked like she did before she got sick, she truely looked beatiful and completely at peace. Master was there for me and never left my side. He was there to hold me, cry with me and laugh with me, when i would remember something funny about her. i am so thankful for Him, i can't even begin to explain how His support has gotten me through this time of pain. This is the first time i have lost someone and even though we had a few days to prepare ourselves, i wasn't ready and i never would have been.

my Mom said many notable things before she went but one thing she said, we'll never forget. All of us kids were with her at different times, we all told her that we loved her, that we were proud of her and that she did the best job she could have done for us. We forgave her and told her that we were all going to be OK. She had always worried that she failed us in so many ways, but because we were all able to let her know how much we loved her, it gave her the greatest peace she had ever known. She looked at my brother and sister with the realization that she'd been a good Mom and said "I won". That's right Mom, you won at life, you did a good job and you're right, you won! That very small statement will be engraved on her headstone "Won at Life".

i will be OK, some day. Probably not today or tomorrow, but i'll be OK. She was always so worried about me because i was her baby. my brother had a long talk with her and assured her that she shouldn't worry about me. He told Mom how much Master loves me and that He would never let anything happen to me. Mom told my brother that she knew how much my husband loves me and how thankful she was for that.

my brother made us all really think one night when he took us all out for supper, before she died. He said that no matter what happens to Mom, no matter how soon she leaves us, she has created a web for us. She leaves us tied to one another for life. Inside this family, there are many different and individual relationships that will never be severed. Mom has given us each other for the rest of our lives. She gave us the gift of family.

i'm having a hard time as anyone would. She was my friend and i told her everything. Yesterday morning, Master was upset with me as He sometimes is, and the very first thing i thought was.... i'll call Mom, she'll tell me what to do. But i can't call her and i can't hear her tell me what to do anymore. Now i can only talk to her in my mind and listen carefully to what i think she'd say.

Master and i moved my grandma into an independant living facility and she's doing just fine. She's got a lovely room and new friends already. The timing could not have been any better. Now i know she'll be taken care of and she's safe. i call her nearly every day and she tells me what she's up to. It's good for me to be able to talk to her and i don't want her to think we've all abandon her.

Master is coming upstairs now, so i'll sign off for now. Thank you for all your good thoughts and prayers.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Thank you!

Just a quick post to say thank you to those of you who continue to read and express concern about my family and the current situation. Obviously my posting has been sporatic at best and right now i have no idea when to expect things to settle down. The hope is that we'll be moving both my Mom and Grandma to live near us in some kind of Assisted Living housing but i really don't know when that will happen. It's a wonderful idea and it would make my life so much easier, but i'm just not sure how it would all work out.

Master and i are fairing pretty well and just living for the short time that i have to spend at home. Mostly just weekends and a couple days during the week that i can steal away. When i am home i'm finding myself doing a little bit of everything including taking time to just calm down and relax. In the middle of all the nonsense, by the grace of God, i have been able to find a pace and schedule that works for me. A little bit of cleaning, a little laundry, some animal time, some Master time and yes, even some me time. As long as things don't get any more hectic, i think we'll be OK. i hate being away from home and the pressure that my Grandma puts on me when i'm there, but i just take a deep breath and think of how good it is to come home to Master and all the things i love.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

It was nice while it lasted...

As of yesterday, i had been home a week. Monday i will head back up to my mom's to once again care for my grandma and check on my mom's status at the nursing home. i have spoken to my sister several times this week and from what i can tell, my grandma was just as mean to her as she had been to me. So i have to ask myself, why do i continue to care so much about her well being? She's really just being awful to everyone around her and doesn't care two bits about us or how hard we are trying to make her life a little easier. She sat last night and tried her hardest to pick a fight with my sister regarding how little everyone has done for her.

my sister is much less tolerant than i am and had no intention of allowing her to bash us. i usually just sit by and don't say much because i feel like it will only make things worse. i really don't have any intention of doing that anymore. If my grandma insists on being rude to me and others around her, i'm just not going to allow her to talk to me or anyone else in a disrespectful manner. i treat people the way i wish to be treated, i would only expect the same from her. i'm not going up there with an attitude or any preconceived ideas as to how things will or won't happen, i am just preparing myself to stick up for myself this time.

my mom is having even more trouble with her dialsys and i'm just not sure what we're going to do about it. i'll know much more when i have that meeting at the nursing home Monday afternoon.

If i sit and allow myself to think about leaving again, i nearly have a panic attack. i can't breath, my chest hurts and i feel like i might get sick. Even putting this much thought into it makes me nearly fall apart. i want to stay home, i just don't know how much more i have in me to give. i hate how much i miss Master and my kids, i hate knowing that He's here alone and lonesome. It scares me to know how lonesome i know i'll be and not only is it a thankless job but the people i'm trying to help (mainly my grandma) won't be nice to me.

Master maintains that the best solution is to move them here to live near us. While i was completely on board with that in the begining, i'm just not sure how it would work out now. i think the task is overwhelming and i'm not even sure if they can live alone here, even with Master and i a couple blocks away. If my mom were just a little bit better off with her health, i think the idea would be perfect but i just think we may have waited too long.

i have asked my sister and brother for ideas but the truth is, none of us know what to do. We are completely at a loss for the best thing to do for them. There must be some kind of social services out there who advise people in these situations, i think when i get up there next week, i'll contact someone just to get a professional opinion. i know this is a unique situation but surely it's not the first of it's kind.

i worked hard around here yesterday, trying to get laundry done, the house in some semblance of order and the animals taken care of. i'm planning on spending the weekend enjoying being home with Master and the kids before i even have to think about leaving. Master has said so many times that i'm emotionless. In this case, i'm doing all i can to not think about it, to not think about what lies ahead, it's the only way i think i can deal with it and not completely fall apart into a blithering, mumbling, crying baby. (Doesn't that paint a pretty picture?) This too shall pass, be it sooner or later, i know we'll get through it. What other choice do we have? All i need to know is that Master is here for me when i need Him and that He supports me. That alone makes a world of difference to me.

i love You Master!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Hectic Times

Honestly i'm not sure where to start. Over the last couple weeks, my sister and her husband have moved to Ohio and that leaves my mom and grandma alone. i have been up at my moms much more than i have been home here with Master. It's been a very trying time for everyone involved except of course for my sister and brother.

my mom was back in the hospital and very weak. We all decided that a short stay in a nursing home would be the best thing for her to get some rehab. She'll be there a week tomorrow and really seems to be doing well. She has a lovely room and everyone is treating her like a queen. my hope is that she'll really get her strength back and return home in a better state than she has been in, in a long time.

my grandma isn't doing quite as well. i can't tell if it's an act just because she doesn't want to be left alone or if she's really becoming confused. Her entire life up until 2 weeks ago, she was able to manage her medicine and her own personal affairs. Now all of a sudden she's having trouble with that. i don't mean to sound cruel but i think a lot of this is for attention. She isn't as confused as she wants us to think she is. i just think she wants attention. Because when she acts up, everyone's focus is on her and all of a sudden, she's fine again. One moment she says she wants to go to a nursing home and when i talk seriously about going through with it, she changes her mind.

So before i left this time to come home i made her life literally 3 year old simple. i arranged her medicine for her, after spending nearly 2 hours with her to make sure she understood it. i made meals for her for the next week or more. She's got a medical alert bracelet to wear at all times. The neighbors are bringing the mail to the house and someone is coming to check on her every day that she's alone. So she's really not alone at all, people are calling her or taking her out for meals, and she'll always have her bracelet in case of emergency. There is even a lock box outside the house that many people have the combination to in case of an emergency they are able to get the key to go in a check on her.

i have called her twice a day since i have been home Thursday afternoon and this time, she sounds pretty good. Last weekend when i came home, she wasn't alone 24 hours when she called me and demanded that i rush back up there. Master was so very mad, but it turned out i didn't have to go. i stayed on my schedule and went back up Monday after i had my own doctor appointment.

Master has been very angry a few different times. Mostly He's angry that no one up there cares two bits about my life and my happiness. All they care about is that they are pampered and taken care of with no mention of what all this is doing to me and Master. my grandma has never been so selfish and my mom (who can barely speak) has tried her hardest to reason with my grandma.

Surprisingly enough, my sister is going to stay with my grandma next week. She'll be there Tuesday evening and leave Friday morning. So if all goes well, i won't have to go back up there until Monday, Spetember 11. That is my current plan and i pray that it will stay that way. my sister is delusional if she thinks she's going home to visit her friends and have a little vacation. She told me that while she's staying there she has no intention of playing slave to my mom and grandma... HA! i'd love to be a fly on the wall when reality hits her.

This weekend has been nice but a little busier than i had hoped. i am so thrilled to just be home with Master and the "kids" it's crazy how much i miss them when i'm gone. i miss silly things so, i miss taking a short ride in the car or talking to Master about what we'll have for supper. i miss the silly banter we have back and forth all the time. i miss holding my kids and giving them kisses. Speaking of *kids* today is the Kitty's birthday, she's 6 already! Hard to believe.

So yes, i'm alive and here on and off. i know it's been ages since i have written and i would love to think that all this will calm down. It's been a whole year now since my mom got sick and what a year it's been for all of us.

In two weeks i go back to the University for a Venogram on my arm to examine the blood clot. i'm really hoping that it's gone or gone enough so that they don't have to do the balloon thing.

Take care all! i have brownies to put in the oven for supper tonight.

Peace to you and yours,
MD's treasure

Home Again, All about Mom

i got home last night from spending a few days up at my mom's house. She was in the hospital yet again and i got a call early Wednesday morning from my brother saying that my grandma was confused and needing some help. We were in the middle of pouring a cement patio in the back yard and it wasn't the best timing, but Master said that i should go ahead and go.

i was packed and ready to leave by 11am and off i went. When i got there my grandma told me that Tuesday she had called my sister to come out and help her with taking the garbage out and she asked my sister to come out and just help her out a little bit. my sister said "no i'm not coming out there just to take out the garbage, i'll send someone out there". She did send someone but he was too late and the garbage man had already come. my poor grandma was out in the 100 degree garage trying to struggle with the garbage because she's old and old people do things on a schedule. The garbage goes out on Tuesday, period. Well it didn't happen and in her mind she thought that she had failed my mom because she didn't get it out on time. A very small insignificant thing to most of us, but not to her. She was a mess.

my older sister tried to get in touch with my sister with no luck and finally she called my brother crying saying that she was very worried about my grandma. Grandma has a special place in all of our hearts, she's a sweet old lady who just doesn't deserve to be ignored. So my older sister was extremely upset and when she called my brother he was livid and called me to "save the day", that's what he called it.

By the time i got up there on Wednesday my grandma was OK but i could tell she was still pretty upset and confused. When my mom is in the hospital she gets very upset and worried. She's scared because she doesn't know what will happen to her if my mom passes before she does. Grandma is very hard of hearing and only catches half of what you say to her, so when mom is in the hospital, she basically has no idea what's going on with my mom's condition. She just needs people to tell her that my mom isn't going to die and that she'll be OK. That wasn't happening so she was a mess.

Mom came home Thursday afternoon and i think she's quite a bit better. There are so many things wrong with her that it's mind numbing. She's got fractures in her back from Osteoporosis, she's in end-stage renal failure, she's got a stricture in her throat and she's having a hard time keeping any food down at all, and they just found a tumor on her heart that needs to be removed before it grows and causes trouble in her heart. Those are just the major things, but she also has almost no voice at all, they hit something on her vocal cords when they tried to save her life this spring when the doctor slit through her jugular vein. So now she has no voice and her vocal cords aren't working so she's aspirating on almost all liquids. In a nutshell, she's a disaster. The bad thing about all this is that when she talks to the doctors she doesn't remember what they tell her so i'm getting no information on her condition. i have a call into her primary care doc, but as yet, he hasn't called me.

When i got home Master was happy to see me and He brought in my bags and even started helping me unpack. We went out and got some supper and brought it home to eat. Then we went for ice cream and stayed up way too late playing on the computer. It's so good to be home, the stress level at my mom's house is way too high for me. There's so much that needs done for them and there's no help from my sister at all. She'll be moving to Ohio in a couple weeks and i have arranged for a lady to come to my mom's and help them Monday thru Friday for 2 hours a day. i'm hoping that having her there will take the stress off my grandma and offer some comfort to my mom, knowing that someone will be there every day to help out. Before i left i got them all set up, i went to the store, i went to the bank, paid my mom's bills and brought in her supplies for her dialysis. i'm hoping she'll be all set till Monday. She's on some good pain medicine for her back and she looked so much better when i left, that i didn't feel like i was leaving them in the lurch, i think they'll be set up just fine for the weekend.

Master and i have no plans for the weekend so i'm hoping just to hang out here and get caught back up on my laundry and just veg out for the weekend. We slept late today and i can just feel the stress melting away from my hectic week, now that i'm home. my only responsibilities here are to make sure that everyone is fed, watered and taken care of. Straighten up the house and do a little laundry. Those are pretty easy things to take care of compared to running the lives of one very sick lady and another very very old one.

The first thing i did last night was come home and water my flowers, i don't know why but i couldn't wait to get home and just do something menial. It just calmed me down and i guess it just made me feel like i was home where things are quiet and the only things i have to do here are what Master requires of me. i guess i just wanted to get right back into my routine here and start taking care of Master and my babies again. i fed and watered the dogs and picked up around here, i think Master thought i was a little crazy but when i got home i just had to do those few things before i could sit. i love my responsibilities here and i love knowing that my kids and Master need me and miss me when i'm gone. This whole thing with my mom is far from over and it's just so very stressful i need to get home and get back into my routine as soon as i can, to feel like me again. When i'm there i feel like a mediator and a health care professional and like a mother to my mom and grandma. i have to be in charge and for me, that's a lot of stress that i am not comfortable with. When i'm home i the few little things to take care of and Master takes care of everything else. It's a pretty awesome place to come home to!

Peace to you and yours!

MD's treasure

Brief Update

Master and i went to an amuzement park on Thursday with His family and had a really wonderful day. The weather was hot but really not too bad and in the evening it cooled off and it was just perfect. The park was smaller than i expected so i really didn't do too bad until late in the day. We rode almost every ride and some we rode twice. There were almost zero lines and the rides that did have lines, the wait was a short one.

Master bought me a pair of comfortable sandals to wear and they even have a small heel on them. i did pretty well with them and i think that Master was pleased that i was able to wear them, even though the heel was very slight.

Yesterday was a crash and burn day. i woke up with one of the worst headaches i can remember having and asked Master to bring my purse for medicine. He brought me my purse and tossed it on the bed and walked away. Normally He brings me some water and sits with me when He knows it's a bad one. He got in the shower and left for a hair cut and that was the last i saw Him. He never came back to check on me and i didn't see Him until later last night. When i did see Him, He was furious and barely spoke to me. i have said in many blogs that He's always there for me when it's a bad one and that i can always count on Him to help me through. Yesterday was a much different story. Instead of helping me through a horrible headache, He got furious and just left me. He was angry i'm sure because i was in bed all day and He had to spend the day alone. So not only do i have this nearly unbareable pain, but i have guilt stacked on top of it, guilt for hurting? guilt for not being with Him during the day? guilt for hardly being able to lift my head up off the pillow?

i have asked Him too many times to count to just ask me how i am, or maybe He could say that He was sorry i wasn't feeling well. That alone would ease the guilt and that alone would let me know that He cares about me. But yesterday i was alone in my misery and i had no one to help me. So i laid there, i laid there and cried from the pain and cried because there was no one to help me. The one thing that scares me is that now i know He's so sick and tired of the headaches that i am not sure if i'll be able to count on Him being there for me when it happens again. That is scary to me. Having the headaches is one thing, but having to go through it alone, is another thing all together.

i'm sure that He's extremely tired of me being in pain all the time. i'm also sure that He hates it when He has to be alone. But i have done really well lately and i haven't had a day like that for many months. Even if i'm hurting really badly i'm still up and about and i still help around here or i'm up doing something. So it just doesn't seem right to me that if i have a headache that lands me in bed for a day, that i should have to be left alone to deal with it. As usual i said very little to Him about it, all i did say was that i thought He could have come in to see if i needed anything and that just made Him madder. So i kept my thoughts to myself because anything i might have said would have ended up in an argument.

Today is a much better day and i got up and made myself some breakfast and Master got a call to go fishing. We are going to cook out tonight with our friends and things will be back to normal. i talked to my mom for a while today and she's going through the training for her home dialysis, she's sick from not having regular dialysis and she's barely able to speak. Her vocal cords seem to have been permanently damaged and she's having a very hard time talking at all these days. i worry about her, i worry about my grandma and i'm worried that soon my sister will be further away from them than i am and no one will be there to help them. The worrying doesn't help the headaches and i know that there's little i can do for them and worry is about the worst emotion there is. There's always the worry that Master won't find a job and that just brings up another thousand things to worry about.

i have to run to the store and buy food for supper and we'll spend a very nice night with our friends, that's always a lot of fun and nice way to spend a summer evening. So for now, i'm puting my worries away and going to go have a good time!

Peace to you and yours!

MD's treasure

Blogathon Pimp

luna at the Iron Gate is blogging this year for The Institute for 21st Century Relationships. Feel free to donate to her cause by visiting her blog!

Good Luck and happy blogging luna!

MD's treasure

Teeny Tiny Babies

Master's last day of work was last Saturday and it seems we haven't stopped running since then. He's been busier since He stopped working than when He was working. We have been on the go pretty much non stop since the weekend, we spent a couple evenings down at our friend's cabin and Master has been fishing a lot too. We watched the fire works from a field across the river and i thought they were awesome this year.

Last night Master was cleaning up some shelves in the garage and in a lid off a fast food cup, He found seven baby mice. We were at wits end trying to decide what to do with them. We knew that the momma mouse had been up there the night before because i heard something rustling around in a paper sack. i certainly didn't have the heart to destroy them and Master really didn't want to kill them either. Then again we didn't want a garage full of mice. He's been cleaning a lot out there with the hopes of getting rid of most places for them to hide and then we found seven more of the little guys. They were so tiny and cute in a hideous way and we just couldn't bring ourselves to kill them. We finally decided to place the lid of the cup on the floor in the corner in hopes that the momma would come and take them away. We left them alone and went outside to have a fire. When we came back several hours later, the momma had found them and moved them. We're hoping she moved them out of the garage but who knows, there are still plenty of places she could hide them safely. Pretty pathetic that we can't even bring ourselves to kill mice, but like i said to Master, i guess it's a testament to a person's character when you can't even kill a mouse.

Master's parents went on vacation so it's my job to drive into town each day and water the flowers. His mom worked at a green house this spring and she's got some amazing flowers and there are so many of them! i lucked out in the deal as well because i got lots of left overs that they didn't sell. i'm going to town after while to tend to the flowers and Master is off fishing for the evening. The weather has been wonderful, warm during the day and cool at night. It's really been just perfect. We could still use some more rain but i'm not complaining.

my sister called me last night to tell me that her husband has accepted a position as VP of some company in Ohio. They will be moving from Illinois as soon as they sell their home. That will leave my mom and grandma alone. i am torn as to how i feel about the whole thing. i don't think that she should put her life on hold for my mom as she is stabilizing and beginning her home dialysis. On the other hand i feel like this is terrible timing and there won't be anyone near by if there is an emergency for them. i can be there in 3 hours if there is an emergency but there are some things that my mom needs help with that aren't emergency situations that my sister was there to help out with. Is my sister being selfish? or is she just living her life and doing what is right for she and her husband? It's really not my call to make. On the other side of the spectrum, i am sad because i have no idea when i'll see her. It was always easy to make plans to see her when i went to see about my mom, but now she'll be much further away and i have no idea how or when i would see her. i haven't talked to my mom yet so i'm not sure how she's taking the whole thing, but i imagine she'll turn it around that my sister is doing this to punish my mom. Sounds crazy, but that's how my mom thinks.

i guess i'll just have to plan on making a few extra trips up there just to check in on them and see if they are alright. Then again, that would be hard on Master as He hates it when i'm gone. i don't really know what to think right now and i guess there is no sense in worrying about what might happen, i'll just take things as they come.

As for Master and i things seem to be settling down a bit and we're working on my commitment to Him. i have been working hard at trying to remember the "yes Master" and "yes Sir" and i have been wearing the shoes He likes more often now than i had been. my toe is healing and i have been able to wear some open toed shoes. i am hurting quite a bit lately and i'm trying to take it easy when i really need it. It's hard for me not to feel guilty about hurting all the time and i'm trying not to feel as though i have to apologize to Master for the pain i am in. It's a very tough spot because i know how sick He gets of me hurting all the time but it just adds to my pain when He gets angry or frustrated with the headaches. i'm sorry it effects Him the way it does but i'm also aware that it's not my fault. i can tell that He's been trying to cope with it all a little better and i am working on my pain tolerance in so far as i'm trying to be there with Him when He wants me to be, but when it's just more than i can tolerate, i'm asking for permission to lie down or take a break.

It's getting late and i need to run to town. Take care all! Hope you are all having a wonderful summer so far!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Test

Test

Ups and Downs

i'm sorry i haven't posted here for so long, last week i was gone the better part of the week and the week before that i had appointments every single day. i'm not making an excuse for not writing, i guess i just find other things to do during the day and i have a hard time thinking about what i should write here. This blog is much the same as my personality. i always have thoughts running through my mind but i don't say what i'm thinking. Same as here, i always have things that i could write about, but saying them is sometimes too difficult or i feel like i just don't have the energy to say what i'm thinking.

Master and i have had a rough few weeks. He's been having a hard time with His anger and i haven't been a very obedient slave. This whole winter was hard, and while i was at my mom's last week, we spent the evenings chatting on IM about our life. Without stating it out right, we have both made a commitment to work on our faults, Him with His anger and me with my submission and lack of obedience. We surmised that things started to get hard for us when my mom got sick back in August of last year. i was gone for a long time and when i was there with her i had to be very much in charge of things. It's hard to put a finger on why that took a toll on us, except for the fact that Master had such a hard time dealing with my sister. Who at that time was having an affair and was all about herself and wasn't willing to give an inch to help with my mom. Since then, she has straightened out her life some and she's getting her life back to a reasonable role of wife, sister and daughter.

But when i really needed her, she just wasn't there. my mom said the other day something about how when my mom needs her, really needs her, she's amazing, but when things settle down and my mom isn't as needy, my sister isn't around much. In some ways i can't blame my sister for that, my mom is a very trying woman, she's always mad at someone for something and she's not nice to people, period. Her kidney doctor told her he wouldn't treat her anymore because of her behavior and now she's on the third kidney doctor in less than a year. So i think that if a doctor tells you that he won't treat you anymore because you are too nasty, that is cause for concern. The other night when i was getting ready to go out for a birthday party, my mom made my 99 year old grandma cry. This is not acceptable! It happens more often than any of us kids realize i think, and in my opinion it's elder abuse. But my grandma who is completely mentally intact, does not want to move. She's comfortable there and she loves the house and she's got all her things around her and she's got my mom should anything happen to her. However, she's spent the last 15 years of her life being yelled at by my mom. my brother offered to move her out with him and my sister offered to give grandma her bedroom so she wouldn't have to stay on the second floor of her house. But she just doesn't want to upset my mom by moving out.

Master and i had a good weekend once i got home on Saturday afternoon. We grilled out and watched movies Saturday night and yesterday we did some shopping and took a nap. Then i grilled out some burgers and played Everquest for a bit. We had a movie we wanted to watch but i kind of messed that up when a friend called and asked us to play EQ. Master has really been trying to work on His anger and i have been working on my automatic response of "Yes, Master" and doing what i'm told with no questions. i'm sure we'll be able to work things out just like with any marriage or relationship, it takes work and we both have work to do.

i'm still hobbling around a bit from where i had that toenail removed and it's healing extremely slowly. When i try to wear a regular shoe it seems to set me back so i just need to be a little more patient and hopefully it will heal soon. Master is actually showing much more patience with this whole thing than i thought He would so i am thankful for that.

Master is going to be looking for a job again, the route that He was doing was cause Him grief and i think His last day is tomorrow. It's so hard to find a good job around here or for that matter is hard to find any job around here. There just aren't many jobs to be had at all. i'm not all that worried He always seems to come up with something sooner or later.

Peace to you and yours! Hope you are all have a good summer!

MD's treasure

Busy Weekend

Saturday morning while Master was still sleeping the phone rang and it was Master's fishing buddy claiming that "today is fishin' day!" i was to wake Master up at 2pm and tell Him that His friend wanted Him to go fishing. While Master and i had talked all week about the work we wanted to get done around the house on the weekend, Master was a bit taken aback by the suggestion that He would spend His free time fishing instead. After some encouragement from me and His buddy, off He went to fish. i love it when Master goes fishing because He just doesn't do much out of the house and it gives Him a chance to hang out with His friend. Later that night His friend's wife came to get me and we planned supper while the guys were still out fishing. We spent the evening at the cabin and had a nice supper.

Yesterday morning we got up early and went with them to an Air Show. i'm not positive if i have ever been to an Air Show before, if i had it was a very long time ago and i was very young. The weather was perfect, there was a cool breeze to offset the hot sun. The planes were awesome to watch as the pilots were showing off their tremendous skill. At the very end of the show, the Blue Angels did a routine that amazed us all and it was well worth the wait.

We went for a quick supper before heading home and as we were all pretty worn out, the kids slept in the back while the rest of us pretty much vegged out on the ride home. i must have been hurting pretty bad because i don't remember much of the ride home. When we got home i went to bed for what i planned on being a short nap and i woke up 3 hours later to find Master fast asleep on the couch. i tried to wake Him to see if He might want to do something for a while before we went to bed for the night but He wasn't having any of it. We both got some much needed rest at least.

So we didn't get any of the work done that we planned on doing, but we had a sun-filled, fun-filled weekend. i think we'll work on getting the pool set up this week as the weather has already been perfect for swimming, i'm sure we'll get a lot of use out of it this summer!

i hope all of you out in blogland are enjoying the summer sun as much as we did this weekend!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Bad Slave

A few days ago Master said that i should make a list of all the things that i do wrong. Not something to bring me down but as a realization that i do many things wrong. i wrote out a list of the things i do wrong and the things i do right. He commented that writing out the things i do right was sort of like an excuse that i was saying "well i do this stuff wrong, but look at everything i do right". i'm not sure why i made out both lists, i'm sure He's right although i wasn't thinking of it that way at all.

i thought i would post my "bad slave" list here because then it's out in the open and there would be no getting away from it once it's out in the open!

1. i ask to smoke some times when i know i shouldn't
2. i don't always wear the required clothing and i take too many liberties without asking permission.
3. i don't keep the house as clean as i should. (this is more an expectation that i have of myself, Master isn't all that concerned with it)
4. i don't always put Master first.
5. i complain or i become too concerned with my own comfort during bondage.
6. i snack without permission.
7. i can be too independant sometimes.
8. i don't always respond properly IE "Yes, Master".
9. Things that are very important to Master aren't as important to me as they should be.
10. i always seem to have an excuse.
11. i don't always think like a slave. (this was added when Master found out i made a "good slave" list as well as the bad)

When i look at that list, i think to myself, well those aren't hard things to improve on really, i should have no trouble at all perfecting those things. But for some reason, they are the hardest for me to improve upon. Why can't i just remember to respond with "Yes Master"? Why is it so difficult to ask Master before i eat? Why do i feel i have to make an excuse for something i have done? Control? laziness? i'm not sure most likely it's a mixture of both. Often times i don't ask permission to get undressed or wear something different than i supposed to or snack without permisson because i know i won't like the answer. i'm sure that must be it, or i know He won't let me off easily.

More often than not when i ask for something to eat, He'll come back with "when are you going to try to lose weight?" or "didn't we just finish supper?" i rarely eat during the day when He's not here so a few hours after supper, my tummy tells me it wants more food IE supper= lunch so after our evening meal my tummy thinks it should have another meal. The best way to handle that is to eat during the day so i'm not starving 3-4 hours after supper. Master eats once a day except Fridays so He doesn't understand my need for more food after we've eaten.

There are a hundred ways i could work on the things i do wrong, they are important to Master, they should become a priority to me. The whole eating thing is difficult because i don't think about food during the day and i'm not hungry. i don't get hungry it seems until later in the day and that's when i seem to want to snack or have the desire to eat.

Why can't i say "Yes, Master" or when He's on the phone with me during the day "Yes, Sir", i'm not sure, it's not that i never say it, i say it often but not as often as i should. Clearly, i need work.

The other day Master was slapping at my bottom with a towel, making it snap and sting me. i detest this it is extremely scary to me and when i was young it was something that my mom drilled into our heads that we should never ever do. i asked Him to please stop then i must have given Him a dirty look. i was completely out of my element and reacted as though i actually had control over what He does to me. It doesn't matter to Him what i like or don't like when it comes to things like that and it's something i need to let go of. That's just a hard one for me because of the horror stories my mom used to tell us about that particular thing. It doesn't matter though, i wanted to control Him and i wanted Him to stop, immediately and THAT was wrong! i knew it then and i know it now, but will i be able to just let it go? i don't know that either.

i know i'll never be perfect and i know that i'll always have work to do, but it seems to me that all the time i have spent away from home, either at my moms with her being sick or me in the hospital, i have spent too much time away from Master. In those situations i have had to be in control and i have had to act as a very responsible and able person. When He's not with me and in those situations, i find myself taking on a roll that i was used to when i was working, it's hard to settle back into slave mode after that. But i know this is the mode i prefer and this is who i am, i am Master's slave, good and bad. It's a never ending process for me and i know that somedays i do much better than others. i just haven't had very many good days lately, but i'll improve, i know i will because He requires it and because i need to make Him happy and proud of me.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

HELP!

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Life Update

Well i have had some prompting from Master and Starla, they both seem to think it's been way too long since i took the time to write here and i must admit, they are right. i guess i'm just not finding too much to say here. It seems like i have been spending my days either to and from doctors or playing Everquest. Not too much new here to report. Master and i spent part of an evening outside cleaning up from the winter and mowing. We put out new garden lights and i think they are really nice. We put them out lining the rock garden just off the front porch and last night when i went out to look at them, they really looked great. We don't do much outside for landscaping so every little thing we do, makes a difference.

We have a lot of work to do outside this year, Master is planning on a small rock garden out by the mail box and soon it will be time to set the pool up. We lost a lot of our yard last year with the lack of rain for so many months, so we are going to reseed it as soon as we get in touch with our yard guy.

Next Tuesday i'm going in for another minor surgery and i'll be laid up for a few days after that. i'll have a wooden shoe to wear so with any luck i'll be able to walk soon after the surgery. Master has hopes that after i'm done with the surgery i'll be able to wear the kind of shoes He likes. i would like to think the same thing, i have always had a lot of trouble with my toes and hopefully this and one more surgery will take care of the problem.

So today i'm planning on getting all caught up with my household chores and the laundry so Master won't have too much to worry about while i'm recovering. We haven't been doing too much as far as going out or shopping because of the gas prices, we are trying to plan well so we don't have to make as many trips into town as we used to. We have never been really good at planning ahead so it's taken some time to get used to. i'm just trying to think ahead if we need something from the store or medicine, to make sure that we have everything that we need before Master comes home from work.

These gas prices are affecting us just as much as anyone else in the country. Master drives for a living and the higher the prices, the less we make each day. i just hope that they don't go much higher or He won't be able to continue to do this job. They give Him a very small increase for the gas prices but i think for the last two months, He got like $50 total. That doesn't cover much but i guess it's something.

my mom is getting along a little better, her voice is still almost nonexistant from the trauma of the ventilator but she's having speech therapy treatments to see if they can make any improvement. She'll be going in on May 25th for her final surgery for the dialysis ports. Then she may be able to do the Peritoneal (Home) dialysis. That would really be nice for her if she could do it cause then she would again have her days free to spend how she likes. She still enjoys doing some work from home and being gone three days per week, it cuts into her work time.

i'm not sure if i'll be able to go up there for her surgery, it will depend on how well i'm walking and whether or not i'm able to drive. i'm hoping that by then i'll be pretty much back to normal. i'll just have to wait and see how i do and how far i've come by then.

Last weekend Master and i went for Sunday breakfast with an old friend of Masters. We had a very nice time and we sat and talked for 4 hours. i think the waitress was getting a little irritated that we were still there after 4 hours. i think we'll be getting together with him again soon. Master suggested that we get some nice steaks and have a cook out and invite him over. He doesn't have much of a family and he travels 5 days a week, so it might be nice to serve him a home cooked meal.

Well i have lots of chores n things i would like to get to before Master gets home from work, so i think i'll get busy. *hugs* to everyone out there in blog land!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Spring Has Sprung!

As i sit here typing, i have nearly every window in the house open and i can feel the breeze and hear many little birds chirping and talking to each other. It's an amazingly sunny day but not too hot yet. Every where you look you can see flowers blooming and the green grass showing through. The kitty is in the window right here beside me and she's loving the air and the view. Yes, i think that things are definately getting better for us. Last night Master came home from work and we went out and took supper to the park. The weather was perfect almost no bugs yet and it was just warm enough, not too warm, just perfect. We even took bread to feed the ducks but i think we were a little too late in the evening and so many other people had the same idea that they weren't too interested in our treat, so i'll go back next week and try again.

Tomorrow we'll spend Easter with Master's family and we'll do the annual Easter Egg Hunt and play some games. Master dreads spending time with His family cause there's usually nothing to do when we're with them. But i'm hoping that we'll be busy tomorrow and He won't be too bored.

i have no idea what He has planned for the rest of the day today, but i'm just enjoying being home and not have anything hanging over my head. No major appointments scheduled and no more trips in the near future. Our friends have their cabin open now so i'm sure we'll be down there sometime soon. i'm still trying to get caught up on the housework and laundry so i'm sure that will be on my list of things to do today. Other than that i think we'll have a free day to spend as we please! Those days have been few lately, so it's a nice change.

That's about it for today. i'm off to do a little laundry and wait for Master to wake up from His very short sleep. Working from 3am to 9am every Saturday morning, takes a bite out of our weekend, but i'm just thankful that He's got a job that He likes!

*Hugs* Take Care!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

A quick "pimp" for a great site!

luna has started a site somewhat like Kindlings. It's a great idea and she has some very thought provoking ideas to use on your blog. Please check her out! Submissive Journal Prompts

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Overdue Update!

i guess i just haven't been in the writing mood lately. i am feeling better every day, with a little more energy, it seems. Tomorrow i have to make another trip up to see my mom. Since i last wrote she had a very close call during a minor surgical procedure. Some how they punctured her juglar vein during the procedure and she nearly bled to death. That just turned in to one nightmare after another. She's home now and Visiting Nurses are coming to help her. i am going up there just to help out for a couple days.

Master is trying His hardest to be understanding about my need to be with her. We would just love for things to settle down and get back to normal around here. i still have a 5lb weight rescriction on my arm and that makes doing any household chore nearly impossible. Even most of our dishes weigh more than that and carrying laundry is out of the question.

Master has been giving me more intstruction and has kept me very close to Him since i have been home. Either keeping me in cuffs or in some state of moderate dress. We are in constant communication throughout the day with the walkie talkie phones so He's able to keep tabs on my every move. He is more protective now than He's ever been and making sure that i stay in line with His rules. He doesn't let much slide and when i forget something He'll correct me more now than ever. It's making things easier for me, the more clear cut the rules are, the easier they are for me to remember and follow.

i am hoping that once i get home from visiting my mom, i'll be able to stay home for a while without any major health issues or travel plans. Spring is on it's way and that means that we'll be busier out in the yard and spending weekends down at our friend's cabin. i can't wait to get out of the house and do some outdoor actitivies. This winter has been a long one for me, being cooped up more than ever so i'm really looking forward to the warm weather and doing some spring cleaning.

Speaking of cleaning, i need to get a few things done around here before i'm off to work tonight. i'll update much sooner next time. i hope that there are still a few people reading this. Don't give up on me, i'm still here it's just been a rough time for me, but i'll be back full strength very soon! *hugs* to all you out there in blogville!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Scary Stuff

Master brought me home last night after another week in the hospital. They tell me that they have never seen a better result than what they got with my blood clot. It was 100% blocked and now it's 95% gone. There is a very slim chance that it could come back, even being on the blood thinners that i will have to be on for the next 3-6 months. i'm giving myself injections twice a day and then when my levels stabilize i'll be able to stop those and just take Cumadin. Thank God for insurance as the shots would have been $1500, i paid $5.

Master hung a Welcome Home sign in the garage for me to see when we pulled in last night. Then He bought me some little gifts. A new blanket for the bedroom and a microphone for my computer. He also bought me a card, one of the sweetest cards i have ever seen. The front said: Just so you know..... Inside: I'll never finish loving you. Wow.... what a wonderful thing to come home to. Then He wrote me a very long letter that He put inside the card. He talked about how He will once again be tightening the reins on me but that He wants to give me a chance to heal and He doesn't want to rush me. In the past few months the D/s in our lives although always very present, hasn't been as strong as it once was. i still have His rules to follow but there has been little play time and only a little strong Dominate Force from Him. He has been as always very Dominant and in charge just not demonstrating it so much with actions. If that makes any sense, it does to me, but then it's my life =).

We had a very nice evening and went to bed early so i could rest and He could get a little sleep before getting up in the middle of the night to go to work. Just before we went to sleep, Master spoke of giving me a spanking today. i paused and said... "i don't think You can do that" "i'm not sure but, i think that might be bad" (being on blood thinners and spanking could lead to some pretty serious bruising/bleeding) ...... Not a word from Him. Once again His control has been taken away and He is powerless over whole blood clot episode. Furious? Oh yes, He was speechless but i think the only reason He didn't completely freak out was to try to help me stay as stress free as possible. He's trying so hard but now because of this mess, His power and control over me has yet again been challenged.

He turned over and after a while, He was asleep. When He got up for work in the early AM, He left for work with almost no words. i don't think He's mad at me, i think He's just plain mad. Blind Fury.... like He told me many times and maybe even mentioned in His post, He trusted the hospital to take care of His property and in His eyes, they didn't make it better, they damaged it, possibly for life. Vanilla people would have an almost impossible time understanding the depth of His rage but i think another Owner would be able to relate to Him.

Because my mom is now on dialysis she wasn't able to come and stay with me. my sister has had so many problems of her own lately, she didn't come to visit. But early Monday morning my oldest sister called me, just after i had talked to the Doctor who would be doing the Interventional Radiology procedure. It was the scariest conversation i have ever had in my life as he talked about the risks and possible complications. The clot could break off and go to my lungs, the medicine they were putting me on could cause me to stroke or bleed into my brain..... those were just a few. So when she called, i was scared and i told her what he had just told me. In a few hours, she was walking into my hospital room and she was there for the procedure and when they took me into ICU afterward. Master's parents were there and i was so glad they were, but having her there was truly a Godsend. She held my hand as long as they would let her and just let me cry and tell her why i was so scared. i said things like... i'm too young for this, i don't want to put my family through all this.... i don't want to go to ICU and be hooked up to a thousand different machines and tubes for who knows how long. She just listened and did her best to reassure me that in the end, i would be alright and she was right. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you the obvious, and all i needed to hear was "you're going to be fine".

The next day when i was all hooked up to any machine they could find, my mom walked into the ICU and things looked better still. i wasn't able to move but they did let me have visitors occasionally. She was also reassuring even if she was scared seeing her "baby" laying in ICU as i know she was, she didn't let on. Seeing Master at night was my daily treat. i waited all day for Him to walk in and hold my hand. When He got there i immediately felt like i was going to be alright and all i could think about was Him taking me home. Being home with Him and joking and laughing with Him again.

i pray that the majority of this nightmare is behind us and now we can just move forward, baby steps at getting our life back on track. i'm looking forward to what He has planned for us and Him taking a more active role in His Dominance. i need to try very very hard to stop defending my actions to Him and listen and act as soon as He tells me to do something, instead of thinking of a million reasons why i can't do what He's just told me to do. Trust. That's a biggie, i just have to let go and trust Him. We'll be alright, we always are and eventually, i'll be healthy and able to do more things for Him.

Some day i would like to wake up in the morning without my first thought being, what meds do i need to take? i'll get there, i know i will. It just takes time.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Good News

Hell, I don't know if anyone even reads this, but the counter keeps going up, so I guess someone must be reading it. My treasure went into the hospital voluntarily a little over 3 weeks ago for some IV drugs under the care of the big wig in Neurology to see if they might be able to get her some relief from the headaches that have plagued her for 9 years. On about the second day, the drug they were giving her blew out her vein. This is common for this drug they said. Well, no one ever said that before, so this was the first thing that pissed me off. Well, we'll just put in a picc line, it's no big deal, we do it every day, blah blah blah. OK, put it in then I guess...this was a little more than we had signed on for, but she wanted to really give this a shot, even though our hopes really weren't very high. You can only see so many doctors over so many years before you kind of give up hoping that someone will ride in on a big white horse with all the answers. So, go ahead with the pic line, at least she won't have to get stuck 14 times a day. Picc line in...her arm hurts. Here, have a hot pack. Next day...arm hurts...have a hot pack. On the 10th day...approximately the 7th or 8th day with the picc line, they took it out and sent her home. The whole time, her arm hurt and they just kept offering hot packs. After it came out, she still complained of worsening pain in the arm, and they did nothing. At this time, we just chalked it up to having a long ass fucking tube shoved in your vein all the way into your chest. A week later, she visited a local doctor because the pain had become horrible so he did an ultrasound on it and said Yep, you have a blood clot. He prescribed.........HEAT. 2 days later, it was unbearable and her hand was blue, so she ended up in the ER at the same hospital that she just left a week earlier. They did some tests and discovered a blood clot that went from the middle of her forearm all the way into her chest. I have since learned that blood clots are a known possible side effect of a picc line, although rare. Now...if your furnace or your refrigerator or your computer makes a funny noise, you check it out and fix it...if your car is making a funny noise, you check it out and fix it...YOU DON'T IGNORE IT! If you do, BAD things happen. So in my opinion, if you stick something in someone's vein that might cause a blood clot, however rare, and it causes pain for over a week, you MIGHT just want to check it out. So this past Friday night, she was admitted and spent the whole weekend in pain, with her arm elevated and blood thinner being pumped into her. Monday, she had some kind of big ass catheter stuck in her fucking arm with wires and shit sticking out of it, strapped to a board and they started pumping more fucking poison into her vein that has the possible side effect of internal bleeding or stroke. WHOOPIE!!! She had to lie flat on her back in the fucking ICU until tonight when they actually let her sit up for a while. Thank God the clot is now all gone except for a bit of residue left on the wall of the vein, so they're gonna give it until tomorrow and hope it'll get it all. With any luck, she'll be out of the prison ward and back in a regular room tomorrow night. I was already blind with rage before she went into the ICU, then I found out she would have no phone and my visitation "privileges" would be at their whim. I had a meltdown Monday night. I screamed at everyone who came within 10 feet of me, I threw shit and I even got into a pissing match with Nurszilla in the ICU. If someone's already visibly infuriated, the last thing you wanna do is get in their face and tell them what kind of attitude they may and may not have, especially if they're somewhat of a traditionalist and you're some kind of bitchy assed power hungry feminazi. So I guess I'm a bit of a celebrity at the ole ICU these days. My treasure overheard one nurse telling another nurse later that they almost had a code green (call security). Everyone around me tells me to chill out, things happen, I have no reason to be pissed off...BULLSHIT I don't...that's my wife and My property lying there with tubes and wires and shit sticking out of her all over the place with all kinds of poison dripping into her and it's their fucking fault. My pt is much more forgiving than me and is all but begging me to not file suit or even file a complaint with the hospital, but I'm just not sure I'll be able to accomodate her on that one...

Here we go again...

Back in the hospital...Deep Vein Thrombosis...my kingdom for a doctor who doesn't have his fucking head up his ass...

The longest Ten Days of my Life....

i can't even begin to explain how happy i am to be home, sitting at my computer, listening to Master snooze in the next room, all the animals snoring softly next to Him, a hot cup of yummy coffee freshly brewed at my hand. Ahhhh the simple joys of life are all too often taken for granted. Yes...... i am HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i spent the last 10 days in the University Hospital being poked and prodded in places that i never knew could (or should) be poked. They told me Tuesday night that i wouldn't be leaving until Thursday but they gave me a small gift when the team of doctors appeared in my doorway yesterday morning and asked me if i would like to go home on my actual scheduled release date. i was thrilled that i would be able to call Master and tell Him the good news. As hard as the treatments were on me and as lonely as i was up there, this whole thing was much MUCH harder on Master than it was on me. He spent the entire time racing from home to work to hospital, taking care of the animals spending almost no time at home and even less time resting and no time sleeping. He was thrilled to tears (well almost) when i told Him that they were allowing me to come home a day early, as was i.

So.... was it worth it? i'm not sure yet. i had some pretty intense battles with pain and other unmentionables while i was there. But i haven't had ANY pain meds since 4pm yesterday and that's a new record for me. i am on some schedule meds of course and i have meds that i can take for pain as needed but i haven't been to the pharmacy to get those meds filled yet and so far i don't find myself needing them. When i left, the doctors were encouraged with my progress and no one said that i was cured as that really wasn't the goal, the actual goal was just to decrease my pain level and from what i can tell, it worked, so far. i am optimistic and i am tired, i'm sure it will take some time to get back into my routine but i stayed very active while i was there and when i didn't have to be in my room attached to the IV machine, i was out walking.

Master was upset with me because i pulled away from Him a couple times when He pulled me toward Him. i was lucky enough to be given a private quite lovely private room the last few days of my stay. So He thought He would take advantage of it. Only, i reacted in the worst possible way. Instead of reminding Him of some very sore spots that i have and asking Him sweetly to be careful, i just cringed and pulled away. So of course, i'm sure i hurt His feelings among other icky stuff. We ended up spending the next hour hashing over the issues that i think were long overdue and in the end we were alright and when He left we were fine. But it shouldn't have happened and i never ever should have pulled away from Him. i was out of my element, i was so very sore and more than anything i was shocked that He would use even a little bit of force with me in that setting. Even though it's always His right to do so. i reacted poorly and i hate it that it happened.

So hopefully now we'll be working on getting things back to normal around here. It would be wonderful if now that we have our home refinanced and that part of our world settled and if i can keep this pain under control, this might just be the best year that we have had to look forward to.

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Just..... Life

my mom called me Tuesday night to tell me that her surgery had been postponed. She's got to have some more tests before her doctors will allow her to go ahead with the surgery. So i was able to stay home this week which was really a big relief. i'm trying to get ready to be gone for a while and going up there would have made things pretty stressful for me.

i'm glad that i didn't end up having to go seeing that we had an ice storm yesterday and they are expecting a winter storm up where my mom is too. It would have made things even more stressful had i been stuck up there in a storm.

We have a quiet weekend planned just planning on staying home and spending time together, maybe playing some Everquest. Sunday is the Daytona 500 and that's always a big event here at our house. We got a few snacks last night at the store and i'm sure that Sunday will be all about good food and racing! i'm finishing up the last of my laundry this morning and i'll do a little dab of cleaning today. i have done well keeping the house up since our major clean and it's been pretty easy just doing a little bit every day.

i went to have my stitches taken out Tuesday before work and the doctor said that the site on my back isn't healing as fast as he would like, so he left those stitches in. He told me to have them take them out while i'm in the hospital. There is going to be an ugly scar there i think as it looks really nasty right now. But i think it's getting better every day and the pain isn't as great as it was, so that's always a good thing!

Not really too much is going on here right now, and i'm happy for the lull. i think for many reasons things in the "bedroom" have been at a standstill. i was very sore, then had my period on top of that. We're doing well and getting along great, there just hasn't been much romance lately. i'm hoping that this weekend we'll find time to end the dry spell. i know that He tries very hard not to push me when i'm hurting and this has been quite a long time, so i definitely want to make it up to Him before i have to be away for a time.

We got the dogs groomed the other day and oh my goodness, do they look amazing. We have never had the little Yorkie groomed since we got him and he looks like a totally different dog. i never knew how tiny he really was. If Master has time this weekend i'll see if He wants to post some pics of them on here. It would be worth the trouble, just to show them off. They have been so cold since we got them groomed so they have been sporting sweaters and they are so cute it almost brings tears to my eyes to look at them.

Ok... back to my chores. Have a great weekend everyone!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yesterday morning i woke up feeling pretty bad. The incisions that i got from the surgery are still hurting and of course i had the usual searing pain in my head that i have when i first wake up. i got up and took some meds and laid down on the couch and just felt sorry for myself. About 30 seconds after i laid down, my booboo kitty hopped up on the sofa and curled up in my arms. She nudged my cheek and gave me a kiss while i stroked her fur. i was soon completely involved in her, talking to her and telling her how pretty she is, when i realized that the pain, all over, had lessened a great deal. i was no longer miserable, but quite happy to be there laying with my booboo kitty.

Animals are amazing to me and this little kitty is nothing short of a miracle in my life. Often times she doesn't show up for treat time, she skips out on parties where she is the guest of honor and sometimes she blows off TV night with the family. But when i'm hurting, really hurting, she is there. Always. When i'm hurting there are two things i need, Master to hold my hand or rub my head and tell me it's going to be ok, and i need my booboo. She'll hop up on the bed and silently curl up beside me. She'll lay a paw gently against me and look up at me and i know she's saying, "I'm here mom, I love you". When it's at it's worst, she'll come to me and kiss my cheek with her rough tongue and just sit there, watching over me until the worst has passed.

i have been completely in love with every animal i have ever had. But i think that just as though there is one true love out there for every human, there is one true love out there for every animal. Amazingly enough, i have found both. Even Master sees it in her, He was never a cat lover before He met my booboo and she is very much Daddy's little girl. The way that He talks to her and loves her warms my heart to boiling over some times. We have 4 animal companions to love and we are blessed beyond compare!

Last night when Master and i were going to town for a little bit of Valentine's Day shopping and for a bite to eat, He said that He was sure that when the whole financing was over, that our lives would slow down a bit. Well, things haven't slowed down at all, in fact things are going to be a bit hectic in the next couple weeks. i am going up to take care of my mom tomorrow post surgery and i won't be home until Friday, most likely. Then we'll have the weekend to spend together before i go up to the University Hospital Monday morning for who knows how long. The doctor that is admitting me said 3-5 or 7-10 days, depending on how i respond to treatment. Master is convinced that i will be looking at the 7-10 day time frame. i'm hoping that i'll respond quickly and get to come home within that 3-5 day frame.

The one thing that concerns me is what the doctor said about the time i will be there. She said that i should plan on (i'm paraphrasing here, can't remember her exact words) being uncomfortable or in some sort of discomfort while i am there. Now to me, every time i have heard a doctor say "you might feel some discomfort" what they really mean is "we're going to cut your leg off with no medication" *giggles* So i am somewhat worried about the whole "discomfort" comment. But if this helps, there are of course no guarantees that it will, it would be wonderful. At this time being hospitalized is my only option to try and get better.

Master will have a very busy couple weeks or however long they decide to keep me. He'll have to take care of the animals and the house while i'm away. In between driving an hour each way to the hospital to see me. i'm pretty sure He won't be able to make it up there every day and i'm happy to take whatever He can give. With my whole family being out of the state and my mom just having had her own surgery, there is no way that she'll be able to visit and there is no way on earth my sister would come out to see me. That might cause her a tiny bit of inconvenience and no one would want that! *rolls eyes* But i'm sure that Master's parents and sister will at least be up once to check on me, and that's all i can ask for.

We had a birthday party Sunday night for our kids we have three of them who have birthday's in February. They got lots of toys and treats. Combined with what they all got for Christmas and now their birthday, they will be set until next Christmas!

We did our Valentine's Day last night because i'll be working tonight and Master's friend will be here when i get home. Master bought me a new night gown and a really pretty pair of pink sparkly earrings. He also got me a couple of movies! He looked at flowers and asked me if would like some and i said no. i already have small bouquet here from when i had that little surgery and i won't even be home to enjoy them. So i opted for things that i can keep and enjoy for years to come. Flowers are lovely but they just don't last and i would prefer to have something that i can look back at and say "remember when You got me that for Valentine's Day?"

So i'm not sure when i'll be back, but i most certainly will be! In the mean time, Master may post once or twice while i'm gone, but no promises there either!

Peace to you and yours,
Happy Valentines Day!

MD's treasure

Super Bowl Sunday = Yummy Food!

Master got His new computer last night and it's really great to see Him so happy! It has all the bells and whistles that He wanted and i'm sure He'll be spending lots n lots of time getting it all set up. He was up all night last night working on it and i'm just thrilled that He's got His new toy!


We got all the financing stuff at the bank taken care of and now for the first time in a very long time, we have a little bit of breathing room financially. We actually had very few bills before but now we have even less worries and i can't even explain how good it feels to know that we'll be able to go to the grocery store and not leave with a heavy heart wondering if we just spent too much money.

i went to the doctor on Thursday to have my minor surgical procedure. i mentioned to the nurse that one of the lumps that they are removing was previously removed (several years ago) in the OR because the surgeon said that it was too deep in the breast tissue to be removed in the office. She spoke to the doctor and he came in to have a look at it and said... "hmm we didn't look at this last time, did we?" i said "oh yes you did and you said that it would be fine to take out right here in the office". He poked around a bit and said, no way, that's way too deep to do here in the office, we'll see you Monday in surgery. *sigh* Master was very upset because when we went in for the initial consult, the surgeon spent about one minute with us and said that he could remove both lumps in the office. Master even commented that he didn't take much time with me and how does he even know he can take care of it in the office. Well, as usual, Master was spot on in His assessment! What a mess it would have been had the doctor started the procedure and then had to take me to surgery in the middle of it.

So now i'm having a not so minor surgical procedure tomorrow morning, ugh! i am so not looking forward to it cause now i have to do the whole, no eating or drinking after midnight... blah blah blah. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me cause i'm having a local. i totally understand that if you are having a general... but alas, i am not. So, whatever, i'll just be glad when it's all over.

my mom called to say that her surgery has been rescheduled for the following week, which works out much better for everyone. She asked me if i would come up there and stay with her afterward so she can do it as an out patient thing. i told her that of course i will, but just between me and the fence post, there is no way they'll let her go home the same day. With her unstable heart condition, i would be shocked if she doesn't end up spending a couple days there. But that's fine, i'll just go up there and go with the flow.

i have lots n lots of goodies planned for the Super Bowl menu today. i'm not so much into the game, but Master likes to watch it for the commercials. He normally detests commercials but the ones that they show during the Super Bowl are usually pretty funny. i'm not positive but we might be having some friends over to eat just hang out during the game. They aren't into football much but when i told her my menu last night, she said that they might have to come over for the good food. i'm hoping that they do but i believe it's a bit unlikely.

Speaking of food, i better get busy on my cooking. Have a great day everyone!!!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Thank You Master!

Since i last wrote here, Master’s computer has pretty much given up so we were without computers for a few days. But now i have my new computer and i love it! i have this huge new monitor and the computer itself is so fast i can’t even believe my eyes. It’s just awesome!!! *Thank You Master*

We had an appraisal done on the house last week and i think it went pretty well. i’ll be so glad when the whole refinancing thing is over and life can get back to normal. i love having a clean and organized home and since the appraisal, i have worked pretty hard to keep it clean and picked up. This morning i did some cleaning just to keep it up and i think if i just do a little bit every day, i won’t get so behind. It’s so much easier to clean a little every day than it is to clean a ton once in a while.

With any luck, Master’s computer parts will be here by the weekend and His buddy can begin the building process. We spent most of last weekend over there while he built mine so i’m hoping that we’ll get Master’s done this weekend.

i have been talking to my mom every day for the last week or so. It turns out that my sister is having even more trouble in her life at the moment and i can’t help but worry about her. She told my mom this morning that she suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder, this is absolutely no shock to me at all, i am just amazed that she finally admitted it to anyone, most especially my mom. She has yet to take any of my phone calls and from what my mom says, she won’t really talk to anyone with the exception of my brother. i’m not worried that she’s not talking to me, i’m just glad that she is talking to someone. my mom of course has turned this into her own personal tragedy and now it’s all about her. Yesterday when my sister had a bit of a breakdown, my brother called our older sister to go and be with her. my mom is all put out that he didn’t call her to go be with her. i tried in the most delicate way to explain to my mom that my sister should be around people that she’s comfortable with and she has the right to choose who she opens up to. What i didn’t say is that the LAST person my sister would want with her during a difficult time would be my mom. Because as i indicated, it would become all about her and my sister would end up feeling much, much worse.

The one thing that i do feel good and bad about is that i am disconnected from the whole thing. i would like to be able to be there for my sister should she decide to talk to me, but i also know that Master’s patience would become very thin in a short time and He wouldn’t want me to become too involved as it’s just not healthy for me. The only thing that i can do for her right now is pray for her, and i do, i pray that she’s able to find some peace in this whirlwind.

Master got an early start at work today, so He’ll be home early. i’m fixing one of His favorite dinners tonight and i’m hoping to have a nice quiet night watching some of our shows and just relaxing. We haven’t had much down time lately and i think we’re both looking forward to some quiet time.

i’m having a minor (very minor) surgery tomorrow and we have to get up at the crack of dawn to be at the doctor’s office in the morning. So i thought that i would fix enough supper tonight to have it again tomorrow night should i not really feel up to cooking. my mom is having a not so minor surgery next week and if everything works out, i’m going to go up there for the day to be with her. my sister will be out of town for a while and there’s no one else to be there for her. i really don’t think that she should be alone while she’s having surgery. The only bummer is that i’ll have to turn around and come right home again because my long awaited appointment at the University Hospital is the following day. So i may just have to make a couple trips up there next week.
That’s about all for me today, i hope everyone out there in blogville is doing well!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure

Punishment for the Master

I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.
I love the fuzzy.

Computer Blues!

A couple weeks ago i turned off my monitor and came back three hours later to find that my computer had just up and died. i have been borrowing Master's computer in the mean time for very short bits of time. i'm really disliking not having my own computer, but i sure am getting a lot done around here without one.

Master and i are going through some refinancing right now and getting ready to have the house appraised this coming Thursday. As He built the house Himself, and His wife at the time was a bit impatient to move in, they moved in before the house was complete. So now, seven years later, we are finishing up some old tasks that were never completed. i think that once they moved in Master lost some of His get-up-and-go, so a few things just took a back seat, to enjoying their new home. i am excited about getting some of this stuff taken care of but in the mean time, it means lots and lots of work for us, in a short time.

We took my bird over to His parents house so we could do some painting and staining so i am missing him. i am hoping that we get the painting done tonight so i can get him home tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest. i just don't feel right, not having all my "kids" at home with me.

The parts for my new computer are ordered and hopefully i'll have a new computer by the weekend. Master bought me a 21 inch monitor and my new computer will be able to run games and programs better than it ever has. i can't wait to give it a test drive and find out just what it will be able to do. In the mean time, i will spend the rest of the week cleaning and helping Master with building projects that i know nothing about!

i stained some framing boards and a closet door last night and they came out looking pretty nice (pats herself on the back). i have never done anything like that before and i was happy with the outcome. When i moved here, this was very much Master and His ex-wife's house. They worked very hard to build it and i just moved here with no knowledge of the whole process and i felt like an outsider in another woman's home. In the time that i have been here, i have done some decorating and reorganized things in a way that would better suit me, but other than that, i have done very little to contribute to the building of the house. So these small projects are helping me to feel like i have contributed something to the home. In a way, this will always be the house that Master built with His ex, but with each small thing, i feel as though it becomes a little more "ours". It's a good thing for me and i think that Master is enjoying my tiny contribution.

As i sit here typing, i know that i should be out there cleaning and working, so i had better make this very short. i was up last night/this morning until well after 6am and i am a little short of energy myself, but the house won't clean itself and the work fairies aren't scheduled to show up as far as i know, so i better get off my duff and get moving!

Peace to you and yours!

MD's treasure

Tagged..... 7 things!

Luna tagged me for this so i’ll try to answer the best that i can.


7 things:


Before i die:

Have a clean and organized home.
Wear a size 10.
Own a Cockatoo.
Visit Europe.
Read The Old Testament.
Have a baby.
Become Master’s dream slave and wife.

Can’t Do:

Hate.
Hurt an animal.
Hold a grudge.
See past my hand without glasses or contacts.
French Braid my hair.
Crack my neck.
Take a sip of tea without thinking of my grandma.

Things that attracted me to Master:

His sense of humor.
How very smart He is.
How thoughtful He is.
His love for animals.
His sense of adventure.
The fact that He’s a Handy Man and can fix or build almost anything.
His hands, they are very gentle.

Say Most Often:

Yes, Master.
i’m sorry? (as in "what did you say?")
No Giz, get out of the trash!
O.K. guys, mommy and Daddy love you, God Bless you, we’ll be back soon.
Stop chasing The Boobie!!!! (the cat)
What would You like for supper?
May I have permission to leave Your presence?

Books:
Thurston House, Danielle Steel
Harry Potter Series
The Bible
St. Francis of Assisi
Master of the Game, Sydney Sheldon
Chicken Soup for the Pet Lovers Soul
Shopaholic Series, Sophie Kinsella

Movies that i could watch over and over again:
Steel Magnolias
Titanic
Love Actually
Harry Potter movies
Mr. Deeds
Twister
Man From Snowy River

i am supposed to tag 7 people, but if anyone would like to do it, feel free. It’s a fun one!

Peace to you and yours,

MD's treasure